11 Things That Will Not Get You Hired At Rapid Media | Kayak Angler Magazine | Rapid Media
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Downtown Palmer Rapids. We've got one store in Palmer Rapids. This is it. Photo: Hannah Griffin

In our search for three full-time candidates for our growing editorial department, we’ve received hundreds of resumes. But we’re still looking. Why? Here are the top 11 reasons why these applicants haven’t been a perfect fit here at Rapid Media. Behold: the best of the worst.

  1. Submitting a cover letter in Spanish. Gracias, pero no gracias, Roberto.
  2. You are not a paddler. Excluding the words canoe, kayak, paddle or paddleboard from your resume or cover letter is a giant red flag for us. See also: “I haven’t been in a canoe since 1987, but I think I’d be a great fit.” Really?
  3. Submitting a lame boat review. We ask applicants to show off their writing finesse and technical knowledge when it comes to boats, boards and gear by writing a review of a piece of paddling equipment. Words that inspire confidence: tumblehome, chine, expedition, boofing, certified. Words that do not: tippy, oars (unless specifically referring to rafting), steer, terror, capsize.
  4. You’ve never written much of anything in your life. See also: “I haven’t done any writing since high school, but I did win an essay contest in Grade 11 one time.” Perfect, maybe you should apply for the managing editor position instead.
  5. You have no related experience. Credentials that will not get you hired at Rapid Media include: being a whiz at quantum theory, three months as garden center manager at “the” Home Depot, teaching English in Thailand, or having written a book on female masturbation. Cool, but not our niche.
  6. Sending an attractive headshot with your resume. Please don’t, it’s awkward. On second thought, better than an unattractive headshot.
  7. Your father answers the phone. It was embarrassing when parents fielded your calls in grade five. Psst. It’s still a little awkward.
  8. Proofreading disasters. You’re applying for a position in our editorial department. Spelling mistakes in your cover letter, resume and writing samples kinda make us sad. You are being judged.
  9. Relocation. Look it up. Opening with: “Do I actually need to move to Palmer Rapids for this job?” Yes. It says so in the ad. Another common one: “Willing to relocate from Dubai to anywhere.” Palmer Rapids isn’t anywhere. Our favorite: “Will I need a car, or will I be able to use public transit?” There is only one store in town, what do you think?
  10.  Flip-flop comments. When we included in the job postings that we often wear flip-flops to work, we were painting a picture of our company culture. We had no idea the fervor it would inspire. “I can’t wait to show you my flip-flop collection.” “Oh, I prefer flip-flops.” “I own a variety of flip-flops.” “P.S. I love flip-flops.” Okay. We get it, we all like flip-flops. How do you like felt-lined Sorels?
  11. “I’m retired.” Wait, what?

Can you paddle, spell and live in our small paddling town? Think you would make a good candidate to work at the world’s best paddlesports media company? Know somebody who would? See and share the current positions available at Rapid Media by clicking here.

[The preceding are actual excerpts from real cover letters and resumes. Names have been omitted to protect those responsible from long-term unemployment.]

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