In our search for three full-time candidates for our growing editorial department, we’ve received hundreds of resumes. But we’re still looking. Why? Here are the top 11 reasons why these applicants haven’t been a perfect fit here at Rapid Media. Behold: the best of the worst.
- Submitting a cover letter in Spanish. Gracias, pero no gracias, Roberto.
- You are not a paddler. Excluding the words canoe, kayak, paddle or paddleboard from your resume or cover letter is a giant red flag for us. See also: “I haven’t been in a canoe since 1987, but I think I’d be a great fit.” Really?
- Submitting a lame boat review. We ask applicants to show off their writing finesse and technical knowledge when it comes to boats, boards and gear by writing a review of a piece of paddling equipment. Words that inspire confidence: tumblehome, chine, expedition, boofing, certified. Words that do not: tippy, oars (unless specifically referring to rafting), steer, terror, capsize.
- You’ve never written much of anything in your life. See also: “I haven’t done any writing since high school, but I did win an essay contest in Grade 11 one time.” Perfect, maybe you should apply for the managing editor position instead.
- You have no related experience. Credentials that will not get you hired at Rapid Media include: being a whiz at quantum theory, three months as garden center manager at “the” Home Depot, teaching English in Thailand, or having written a book on female masturbation. Cool, but not our niche.
- Sending an attractive headshot with your resume. Please don’t, it’s awkward. On second thought, better than an unattractive headshot.
- Your father answers the phone. It was embarrassing when parents fielded your calls in grade five. Psst. It’s still a little awkward.
- Proofreading disasters. You’re applying for a position in our editorial department. Spelling mistakes in your cover letter, resume and writing samples kinda make us sad. You are being judged.
- Relocation. Look it up. Opening with: “Do I actually need to move to Palmer Rapids for this job?” Yes. It says so in the ad. Another common one: “Willing to relocate from Dubai to anywhere.” Palmer Rapids isn’t anywhere. Our favorite: “Will I need a car, or will I be able to use public transit?” There is only one store in town, what do you think?
- Flip-flop comments. When we included in the job postings that we often wear flip-flops to work, we were painting a picture of our company culture. We had no idea the fervor it would inspire. “I can’t wait to show you my flip-flop collection.” “Oh, I prefer flip-flops.” “I own a variety of flip-flops.” “P.S. I love flip-flops.” Okay. We get it, we all like flip-flops. How do you like felt-lined Sorels?
- “I’m retired.” Wait, what?
Can you paddle, spell and live in our small paddling town? Think you would make a good candidate to work at the world’s best paddlesports media company? Know somebody who would? See and share the current positions available at Rapid Media by clicking here.
[The preceding are actual excerpts from real cover letters and resumes. Names have been omitted to protect those responsible from long-term unemployment.]